Shaved Ape Chicks

Aesthetics

 

I have to face facts here: most people work out just to look cool. Also to look sexy, but they kind of equal each other so I'll move on. On that note: why does everyone suck at looking sweet?

Really, look at bodybuilders:

I don't think chicks see this and say: "sweet".

Oh or the crossfit "babes":

There is no god.

I'd call that a total miserable fail. Okay so even the two things that are supposed to make you look good pretty much fall flat on their faces. It seems that we need to invent a new paradigm. Something that is actually going to make studs and vixens of the human race instead of degenerating into freak worship.

To be clear: chicks with ripped six pack abs are nasty, that kind of muscle/leanness is a masculine sexual characteristic. Whats next? Chicks with huge arms?

Or god is a total homo.

I guess maybe the issue is that due to the rise of public education, television and low fat dieting, the average persons brain is just kind of shitty. When I say 'shitty' I mean 'having characteristics similar to those of shit'. Have you been to the movies recently? Who would pay for this crap? Anyway, when was the last time you took a sculpting course? Or thought for even a second on the mathematical ratios of the human form?

Hotness is in fact NOT leanness nor is it hugeness. It is a balanced ratio of the contributing factors to a whole. You may be able to call this elusive situation: health. Steve Reeves understood this idea very thoroughly, using both the idea of beauty being an expression of total health as well as a ratio of proportion.

Besides being a movie star and super rich, Steve married a Countess!

Chicks do look at a picture of Steve Reeves and say: "sweet!". To me it seems rather clear that both bodybuilding and 'fitness' have failed in their promises of fulfilling our desire to attain the much coveted sexiness. Why? Well their indiscrimnate application for one and the fact that most people don't even know what good looks like.

Proof that people have no clue what looks good.

Expressing yourself through your form is an ART. You can't go to a weekend Crossfit certification or take some lame ass 'Personal Fitness Trainer" college course and expect to be able to do this. Much like how it's pretty hard to express oneself listening to music someone else made (that's right). You need to express yourself, not someone else.

My brother brought up an interesting point: take any of the classic era bodybuilders and silhouette them, you can still identify who is who: Zane, Arnie, Nubret, Park, Reeves, Viator - they all had their own individual look. Now bodybuilders all look like bloated, cookie cut shit. 

Bodybuilding used to be about body-building as in you built a body that you wanted, like a kit car. You'd do this because you had something you wanted to express, like building a kit car. Now the masses are buying pre manufactured production model "kit cars". You will only be successful at being sexy, really in any form, if you can express individuality.

The Lotus 7, as many variants as there are builders, practically the opposite of the offensive "fat guy in plaid and hiking boots" H2. Also some variants will do 0-100kmh in LESS than three seconds. This is literally the best sports car in the world.

Tangent: Crossfit produces some of the most hideous, boxy unaesthetic physiques the world has ever seen. The women are hit especially hard - it turns them into men - total refrigerator bodies - disgusting. Not at all surprising in a system in which you surrender your individuality to groupthink, kind of like the army. Crossfit is disgusting, they use some valid methods, granted, BUT they destroy much of the effectiveness with horrendously shoddy programmig. It will get you lean, yes, but is that all there is in life?

Nasty! Guys, could you imagine trying to have sex with that? It's like a shaved (male) ape...

 

Sick! Doesn't this chick(?) have a mirror?

What happened to T&A? I see neither of those things. This is an abysmal failure: hey just take steroids, it's easier, healthier and cheaper! Really! The irony of that is astounding! I am not against women being strong or athletic, I love it, but this is actually unhealthy AND unattractive. Ladies: unless you want to pick up chicks, don't go to Crossfit!

I'll be back for more hilarious crossfit and bodybuilding fails as soon as I care enough to do so, until then: go do something!

Your skin isn't made from vegetables you stupid cow

I was going to write an article on how tanning is a requisite to health, spurned on by an article I read that claimed a 26 year old woman "died from tanning". I am not going to write that article now. Let it suffice for now that the "tanning is bad" hype is total shit. Doctors will say UV is evil and you should get your Vit D from milk (literally this was the comment from one doctor on the original article). If you want me to tell you all about the total fallacy of this, who is behind it and why; you'll have to shell out some cash (I don't take cheques). Tan, it's good; don't be a vegetarian: it's bad.

The above article about some stupid bitch dying from easily avoidable and curable diseases reminds me of how stupid you all are. After reading some of the comments on the article, I was a half step step away from going Mickey & Mallory with a chainsaw on the unsuspecting human world (turns out I don't have a chainsaw, lucky you). If I could leave the Earth for a new planet that was nicer I would certainly consider nuking you morons in my wake.

There is a deleted scene in NBK where Mickey(?) saws the legs off one of the barbarian brothers, but I couldn't find any pictures. Instead: imagine the hilarious sounds that Arnie is probably making in this scene.

Perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, I mean Eleiko bars are pretty nice, and there are these antiaircraft guns I kind of want to buy from the local army surplus store. I would still consider it though.

Please though, try to back off with the dumbness. Or I'm buying a chainsaw...

Sometimes I feel like Ash: a learned man of the future forced to contend with savage, backward, idiotic primitives. Wait I feel like that all the time...

*Also in my questings for chainsaw related imagery I discovered that there is such a thing as "Lollipop Chainsaw" and that it is for homosexuals.